What Free Apps Will Let Me Watch Fifty Shades Freed

Raleigh, N.C. — It's the weekend before Valentine's Day, so breakout the satin masks, the handcuffs and the tasteful leather lingerie, because another entry in the Fifty Shades of Grey film cannon hits theaters this week. This one, called Fifty Shades Freed, opens with Christian Grey and his hostage/lover Anastasia Steele getting married.

Fifty Shades Freed is one of those movies that is going to make a ton of money despite what people like me have to say about it. It is critic-proof in a way that generates enough profit to make me wonder if the folks that run Universal Studios' theme parks have started talking about how they could turn the series into a ride.

Let me be completely honest. I have seen the other two Fifty Shades movies. I have no idea what happened in either of them. I remember the first one being mostly about contract law.

Before I get to a plot summary, let me answer the question I know is on your mind. It is eleven minutes from the start of Fifty Shades Freed until Anastasia takes her top off for the first time and three minutes after that before the first time someone gets chained up.

Fifty Shades Freed

Now, as for a plot, I am not really sure what is going on here. Christian and Anastasia get married. They have lots of sex set to the soundtrack of a tampon commercial. There's someone named John that wants to kill Christian. Anastasia asks Christian if he wants to have kids and he says "I'm not ready to share you," which I guess means that he is assuming the kid is going to want to abuse Anastasia too.

See, that has always been my problem with the Fifty Shades movies, because let's be honest. The plot straight up does not matter. We're all here for the Lifetime Original Movies take on pornography. The idea is we all should let our freak flags fly and there's nothing wrong with mixing a little BDSM into your bedroom routine as long as everyone is on board.

James Dorian, who plays Christian Grey, isn't a very good actor and EL James, who created Fifty Shades of Grey, isn't a very good writer, so none of this plays out as romantic. It doesn't quite feel gross. It's just uncomfortable, like if my mom wanted to talk to me about her BDSM routine. Here's how devoid of sexiness this movie is.

There is a scene where Christian and Anastasia lick ice cream off each other's bodies. I spent the whole scene trying to figure out what flavor of Ben & Jerry's they were using.

There is also the issue of The Red Room, Christian's impeccably decorated sex dungeon, which he keeps a secret from all but the women that join him inside. And therein lies a question that bothered me the entire movie. Who does a billionaire hire to decorate his secret sex dungeon?

Christian probably installed the straps and sex swings himself. He may have even picked out the sound-dampening velvet wallpaper on his own, but there is a lot of shelving in there. There's a very heavy looking four poster bed. The lighting around the various cabinets and display cases perfectly highlights each sex toy inside. Surely someone helped him make those decisions. And what was that conversation with the decorator like? It had to be uncomfortable to say the least.

Speaking of uncomfortable, there are at least two scenes in which Christian Grey admits that he has some guilt about being adopted by a wealthy family and then inheriting so much money, because other foster kids stayed stuck in a broken system.

Don't worry. If you forget for a second that Christian isn't a "normal" dude, there is always a moment like this just around the corner to drill it into your skull.

Anyway, Anastasia's response in both instances of this is to say that inheriting money is the same as earning money. It is a completely insulting and dismissive line.

It's not insulting because Fifty Shades Freed reveals itself to be a giant sex fantasy for the mega-wealthy that have accomplished nothing on their own. It is insulting because the filmmakers reveal in those moments that there is nothing redeeming about Christian Grey and they have to blatantly make excuses for him being portrayed as the hero of this film when every decision he makes and every line he utters reveals him to be such a piece of crap.

It will be interesting to see the think pieces over the next week that spring up online wondering how Fifty Shades Freed jives with the #MeToo movement.

I would invite you not to put that much thought into it. If you want to watch people having sex in a taboo way, there is plenty of free porn on the internet and it probably has better dialog and more developed characters than Fifty Shades Freed does.

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